Monday, November 28, 2016

The Joys of Homeownership

I sent this as an email to my friend. She said it was hilarious. I am an idiot.

So last night I decided to stay up to get Star Wars tickets. 12:01 they go on sale.

Actually, let me rewind a bit. So my desk. It's kind of a mess but I guess it could be worse. There's this cool Detroit Tigers travel mug I used to make coffee in and take to work. Sometimes I'd sweeten the coffee up with sugar and condensed milk. I haven't used it in months. It's just been sitting on my desk unloved. A sad, empty, unused mug. Every now and then I try to remember to take it downstairs and fill it up and use it to make some nice instant coffee to drink as I head to work like I used to.

Anyways, so last night I get to the site to buy tickets and I wait in line for a bit but by 12:30am I have them. I skipped my meds so that I wouldn't be a zombie, but one day won't kill me. So I have to go to the bathroom so I turn in my chair and get up and go the bathroom. As I reach the bathroom, I hear something in my room fall. It's pretty light sounding so I don't even worry. Go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, etc., etc. Get out and walk into my room.

I could try to describe the smell that hit me, but imagine taking a bag of coffee, burying it in a swamp for 1000 years, taking it out, and then mixing it with 1 year old curdled milk. That's when I realized. The sad empty mug that I hadn't used in forever was not as empty as I thought (it was as sad). I looked. It must have been full to the brim. it's fucking everywhere. A massive spill on my floor, it's sprayed all over some clothes, some books and magazines, game controllers, just fucking... everywhere. And the smell. My god. It's so, so strong. So I just kind of stand there wondering how I could be so stupid when I start to wonder wtf I am supposed to do. It's now like 12:45 and everybody is asleep except me.

There's a roll of paper towel in the bathroom, so I get a bunch and just drench the towels. Just absolutely fucking blast them with water, then grab a bunch of dry ones. I take them into my room and just start super soaking the carpet and wiping it up. The smell is awful. Just awful. Coagulated condensed milk and rancid coffee. And I keep finding shit that is covered in it. And it's all over the carpet. so I keep getting paper towels and wiping it up.

Then I run out of towels. So now I am wondering if it's worth waking up my roommate too, because I already woke up my sister. It's past 1am now. I have a mountain a nasty smelling stained paper towels and I am tired as hell. And the stain has not lightened at all. So I put down my last towels and try to soak it and then do what any dumbshit does. I go on Amazon and try to quickly find some carpet cleaner and smell remover and ship it as fast as humanly possible.

So I search "carpet stain remover." The first item that shows up has like 300 reviews, a good 4.5 score, and is like only 7 bucks. Add to cart.

"This is an add-on item and you must spend $25 to purchase it."

Alright, next item on the list. Also good review scores.

"This is a monthly item you must subscribe to."


Next item.

"This is a pantry item and does not include free prime shipping." The fastest I can get it is Wednesday. Not Tuesday. At this point I literally want to call up a customer service rep at Amazon and just rip into them and wonder why the fuck I can't just buy some goddamn fucking carpet cleaning solution on their goddamn fucking website (sorry for the swearing).

Fourth item. PANTRY AGAIN. So I just buy it. Whatever. fuck it. I add on some room scented freshener shit and spend 25 bucks or whatever.

At this point, I go over to my windows, because it's late November in Michigan, and open them as wide as they can possibly go. Now, I only ever open one of my windows, because the other one likes to attract stink bugs.

So I open them up, grab every single blanket in my room, toss them on the bed, and crawl into bed. And then I hear it. A fucking stink bug is flying around. It's banging into the wall repeatedly because they are the stupidest fucking creatures on earth and would probably have sex with their own feces if they could. And now I've got paper towel that smells like shit in the garbage can next to my bed and carpet that smells like shit and I can literally feel the room getting colder by the second. So I just start crying. I just bawl my eyes out, so pissed at myself for ruining my carpet and my room being a mess and it being now like 1:30 and I am still not asleep and I am all worked up and everything. And the smell of shit is just... you know, when we talk about senses, smell is amazing. True fact, it can actually adjust to anything even more than any other sense. You know how a hot tub feels really hot at first and then you get used to it? Or it can be really dark when you turn the lights off but in 15 minutes you can see things? Smell laughs at all of that. It can get used to anything and way faster than any other sense.

It's been like 45 minutes and I still smell every single fiber of the shit.

I didn't fall asleep until after 2. I woke up several times. I got less than 4 hours of sleep.

So I wake up for good this morning and I wish I could use a Star Wars quote here but whatever. So I smell the shit but now I also smell NEW shit. I smell skunk. I go outside to move my car so my sister can get out of the driveway and sure enough, of all nights, a fucking skunk is dead in the middle of the street just one house down. So now my room smells like rancid coffee, curdled milk, and skunk. I literally wanted to puke my guts out so hard I would die. And I am shaking as I walk around from lack of sleep and anger.

So I come back inside and grab a garbage bag and just start tossing shit. Clothes that got the coffee on them? Trashed. Books and magazines? Trashed. Mug? Trashed. Video game controllers? Trashed. Threw away all the paper towels and everything. And the room. Still. Smells. Like. Shit. I turned my fan on to max and seriously considered taking some beer and just spilling it all over the room to try to mask the shit. Left my windows open and hoped for hurricane force winds to come. Because at least skunk smells bad but not like satan took a dump on my carpet.

Anyways my carpet I am sure is completely and utterly ruined and I don't even want to step foot in my room knowing how bad it will smell and that given it's 40 out by the time I get home today I'll get frostbite just by setting foot inside it.

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