Monday, November 28, 2016

The Joys of Homeownership

I sent this as an email to my friend. She said it was hilarious. I am an idiot.



So last night I decided to stay up to get Star Wars tickets. 12:01 they go on sale.

Actually, let me rewind a bit. So my desk. It's kind of a mess but I guess it could be worse. There's this cool Detroit Tigers travel mug I used to make coffee in and take to work. Sometimes I'd sweeten the coffee up with sugar and condensed milk. I haven't used it in months. It's just been sitting on my desk unloved. A sad, empty, unused mug. Every now and then I try to remember to take it downstairs and fill it up and use it to make some nice instant coffee to drink as I head to work like I used to.

Anyways, so last night I get to the site to buy tickets and I wait in line for a bit but by 12:30am I have them. I skipped my meds so that I wouldn't be a zombie, but one day won't kill me. So I have to go to the bathroom so I turn in my chair and get up and go the bathroom. As I reach the bathroom, I hear something in my room fall. It's pretty light sounding so I don't even worry. Go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, etc., etc. Get out and walk into my room.

I could try to describe the smell that hit me, but imagine taking a bag of coffee, burying it in a swamp for 1000 years, taking it out, and then mixing it with 1 year old curdled milk. That's when I realized. The sad empty mug that I hadn't used in forever was not as empty as I thought (it was as sad). I looked. It must have been full to the brim. it's fucking everywhere. A massive spill on my floor, it's sprayed all over some clothes, some books and magazines, game controllers, just fucking... everywhere. And the smell. My god. It's so, so strong. So I just kind of stand there wondering how I could be so stupid when I start to wonder wtf I am supposed to do. It's now like 12:45 and everybody is asleep except me.

There's a roll of paper towel in the bathroom, so I get a bunch and just drench the towels. Just absolutely fucking blast them with water, then grab a bunch of dry ones. I take them into my room and just start super soaking the carpet and wiping it up. The smell is awful. Just awful. Coagulated condensed milk and rancid coffee. And I keep finding shit that is covered in it. And it's all over the carpet. so I keep getting paper towels and wiping it up.

Then I run out of towels. So now I am wondering if it's worth waking up my roommate too, because I already woke up my sister. It's past 1am now. I have a mountain a nasty smelling stained paper towels and I am tired as hell. And the stain has not lightened at all. So I put down my last towels and try to soak it and then do what any dumbshit does. I go on Amazon and try to quickly find some carpet cleaner and smell remover and ship it as fast as humanly possible.

So I search "carpet stain remover." The first item that shows up has like 300 reviews, a good 4.5 score, and is like only 7 bucks. Add to cart.

"This is an add-on item and you must spend $25 to purchase it."

Alright, next item on the list. Also good review scores.

"This is a monthly item you must subscribe to."

FFS.

Next item.

"This is a pantry item and does not include free prime shipping." The fastest I can get it is Wednesday. Not Tuesday. At this point I literally want to call up a customer service rep at Amazon and just rip into them and wonder why the fuck I can't just buy some goddamn fucking carpet cleaning solution on their goddamn fucking website (sorry for the swearing).

Fourth item. PANTRY AGAIN. So I just buy it. Whatever. fuck it. I add on some room scented freshener shit and spend 25 bucks or whatever.

At this point, I go over to my windows, because it's late November in Michigan, and open them as wide as they can possibly go. Now, I only ever open one of my windows, because the other one likes to attract stink bugs.

So I open them up, grab every single blanket in my room, toss them on the bed, and crawl into bed. And then I hear it. A fucking stink bug is flying around. It's banging into the wall repeatedly because they are the stupidest fucking creatures on earth and would probably have sex with their own feces if they could. And now I've got paper towel that smells like shit in the garbage can next to my bed and carpet that smells like shit and I can literally feel the room getting colder by the second. So I just start crying. I just bawl my eyes out, so pissed at myself for ruining my carpet and my room being a mess and it being now like 1:30 and I am still not asleep and I am all worked up and everything. And the smell of shit is just... you know, when we talk about senses, smell is amazing. True fact, it can actually adjust to anything even more than any other sense. You know how a hot tub feels really hot at first and then you get used to it? Or it can be really dark when you turn the lights off but in 15 minutes you can see things? Smell laughs at all of that. It can get used to anything and way faster than any other sense.

It's been like 45 minutes and I still smell every single fiber of the shit.

I didn't fall asleep until after 2. I woke up several times. I got less than 4 hours of sleep.

So I wake up for good this morning and I wish I could use a Star Wars quote here but whatever. So I smell the shit but now I also smell NEW shit. I smell skunk. I go outside to move my car so my sister can get out of the driveway and sure enough, of all nights, a fucking skunk is dead in the middle of the street just one house down. So now my room smells like rancid coffee, curdled milk, and skunk. I literally wanted to puke my guts out so hard I would die. And I am shaking as I walk around from lack of sleep and anger.

So I come back inside and grab a garbage bag and just start tossing shit. Clothes that got the coffee on them? Trashed. Books and magazines? Trashed. Mug? Trashed. Video game controllers? Trashed. Threw away all the paper towels and everything. And the room. Still. Smells. Like. Shit. I turned my fan on to max and seriously considered taking some beer and just spilling it all over the room to try to mask the shit. Left my windows open and hoped for hurricane force winds to come. Because at least skunk smells bad but not like satan took a dump on my carpet.

Anyways my carpet I am sure is completely and utterly ruined and I don't even want to step foot in my room knowing how bad it will smell and that given it's 40 out by the time I get home today I'll get frostbite just by setting foot inside it.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Inspiration as an Illusion

It is not uncommon to, over the course of one's life, stumble upon a book, an album, a movie, a show, that inspires one or affects one in such a way as to attempt their own hand at creating a work. Given, however, the momentous task it requires to create said work, and given the almost assured odds of it failing to ever have the same effect on anyone else, one wonders if being inspired by truly great works is truly something that one should look for, as they can temporarily inspire hope in one's ability and machinations. As always, the actual journey is entirely futile.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Gaining Weight

It is without a doubt - as aging takes place and metabolism begins its gradual de-acceleration - easier to gain weight, in the literal sense, as we get older. However, the present author would surmise that volumetric weight, such as we gain by consuming a poor, low-nutrient diet, is rather trivial when compared to the much more rapid and fatalistic attribution of the crushing weight of reality. To wit, one could maintain a steady, healthy weight by consuming a high-fiber, low-calorie diet, and still languish, rendered apathetic and lethargic by the crippling weight of existence.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

The End of Savings

If, one might so claim, that the end of daylight savings time is a return to a more natural time, one might be supposed to argue in its favour. Indeed, pulling our clocks back an hour, as catalogued over the years, enhances the very characteristics of life that we all share; that is, it causes an increase in depression, crime rates, and fatigue. Given that these are all essentially innate human foibles, one may be convinced to argue that, while non-daylight savings is bad, it most accurately reflects the human condition.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

A Very Serious Post

There is no sardonic voice here, no self-deprecation (well, maybe... can't promise the impossible), no convoluted language, and no musings about existential dread.

I write this today, not under the pretense that it matters, or that I have much an audience - or even, dare I say it - much a voice. I write this today knowing that it breaks a rule I have with this blog (no political posts. I made this choice for various reasons). I write this today because, it is, unequivocally, an important topic, and one that deserves a modicum of seriousness and thought and consideration.

I write this today to let any and all, or none, of my readers know, that I will be casting a vote on Tuesday, November 8th, for Hillary Clinton.

I could lie and say this decision is easy. I could lie and say it's the only obvious choice, because we are tasked with voting in an election that pits four major candidates, three of which are essentially unelectable, unqualified, and woefully undereducated on matters of policy and politics, and so the one remaining one is obvious.

But I can't. Because right now, America is engaged in bombing campaigns in seven countries throughout the Middle East and Northern Africa. Because right now, America is giving almost unconditional support to a Saudi regime that is unleashing wanton destruction and loss of life in Yemen, creating a human crisis that the media in this country refuses to cover or ignores. Because right now, America is still an imperialist country, forged in constant wars, constructed on the labor and prison of black and brown bodies, and spewing enough destructive pollution to all but guarantee global warming will run rampant, with its ensuing loss of life and created conflict. It is easy to diminish these, to cast a vote, and try to put them away, to compartmentalize the fact that American lead wars and sanctions have left 20 million dead civilians in its wake since the end of World War II. To do that is a terrible atrocity in itself, to minimize the loss of life of those who don't look like me, or those who live half a world a way. I know that, by participating in this election, and in this system of government and country, I am, if not happily, offering my tacit support to further conquest and destruction.

But I also know my limitations. If there is one thing that my undying love of baseball and sabermetrics has offered me, it is an understanding that we are all working with limited understandings. And while that is little comfort to a war victim, or a poor mother, or a jailed weed dealer, it allows me to understand the limitations of the society we have constructed.

Democracy is, if nothing else, an imperfect science. And to think that my values and desires are always going to be 100% correct is folly. At any given time, sure, we all believe we are correct. But we must understand that we have been wrong, and will continue to be wrong. Democracy works as a system because it has built within it systems of dialogue, compromise, and understanding.

One candidate, undoubtedly, represents those values. Hillary Clinton knows more about policy, economics, Washington negotiation, political machinations, and international relationships that I will ever know. She likely forgets more in one day than I forget in one year, to steal a cliché. And while I will not always agree with her positions, much like Obama before her, I trust that she will be making them after examining all facets of the situation and coming to the conclusion that she feels is best.

But as with all things, her candidacy is not in a vacuum. Hillary's opponent, one Donald Trump, is perhaps the antithesis of every value that I, and hopefully others, hold sacred. He is a flagrant bigot, racist, and misogynist, whose reliance on cheating, destroying, and lying seemingly knows no bounds. He has given a face to a violent, disgusting movement that holds white supremacy at its peak, and holds the poor, the disabled, immigrants, women, people of color, refugees, Muslims, at its base, forever to be trampled on, mocked, rejected, and in some cases, forcefully and violently eradicated. This can not be allowed to flourish, to stand, or to be given legitimacy. The fear that many feel about his ascendancy is real because it is based on the very things he has said and done over his existence.

It is, then, most vital that we reject it, wholesale. And the best way to do that, in a democracy, is at the ballot box. There are no perfect solutions in a democracy, no perfect solutions in life, or baseball, or congress, or anything, and the very stubborn hate that has driven a desire for nothing but moral purity is the same strain of thought that has given us the Tea Party and Trump and modern Republicans. I choose to reject this.

I do not pretend that Hillary is perfect, that she will not do bad things, that America will cease to be the country it currently is. But in Trump, we have magnified all the bad things that it currently is, and can be, and so that, at all costs, must be defeated. With that I say:

I'm With Her.

It Does Not Stare Back

It's been suggested that during times of crisis, one may "stare into the void" only to have the "void stare back." This assumes, however, that the void holds a nonzero amount of interest in the one doing the staring in its general direction, which, given the abject uncaring of the universe at large, is an incorrect one. Indeed, it is most likely that, if one were to stare into the void, the void would merely shrug it off with casual indifference, uncaring about an individual's malady or despair.