cut off at the knees

'Family obligations' as a term feels apt, insomuch as so much of what we do for family is out of a sense of obligation. One wonders where this obligation comes from; the financial stressors of raising a kid that as one gets older one recognizes and seek to pay back? Who knows. Is enjoyment something that should be a primary goal? Is knowledge? My teen self would have said the latter at all costs, but as years of self-harm and depression and anxiety took its toll, my cursory answer began to morph.

I'm a shithead. I don't really deny that, and I have made mistakes that a lot of people have and haven't made, and have committed a lot of fuckups, even ones I am sure I am not aware of. So it behooves me to question if obligations - to friends and family - are worthy endeavors. Life is not full of doing only what we enjoy, but the balance has never been, perhaps, what we most want, what Keynes and others envisioned 100s of years ago as efficiency skyrocketed and technology flourished. We commit ourselves to displeasure to try to wring pleasure from what we can, in ways that are inefficient and temporary (large TVs? Backlogs of video games to never play?).

In the last few months the present author has fraternized with people whose values are, to say the least, consistently inconsistent with said author. While in some cases these values are superficial and manageable, in other ways they represent deep-seeded values, how one sees other people, women, PoC, trans individuals, and more. In many cases, these people are family, in others, they were attempted friends. We all grapple with when we draw the line, and life is full of compromises and the like. Peter Jackson in his movie directing history with LotR and the Hobbit was not terribly kind to animals in the filming process, and the movies, much like the books, are replete with racism and sexism. But I do enjoy them I suppose, as my partner pointed out to me, so there is value to be gained.

Is there value to be gained in these other social events where discomfort reigned? But perhaps more fundamentally; is the discomfort a result of a toxic combination of social anxiety, introversion, and perfectionist standards? Many of my closest friends have, unintentionally, misgendred other close friends of mine, and while I correct them, it seems to only fix itself temporarily, before resorting back to he/she in inaccurate ways. But I accept them given our relationship and their other values. Or perhaps accept is too strong a word, because even now we talk less and I cringe at their statements at times and their pushback to things I value, denigration of PC culture and the like that escapes their lips.

So I wonder; do I like LotR because it is easy, but not the family and social fraternations because it isn't, and with effort I could not only address the poor jokes and environment but also derive value? Do I shortchange myself and others the chance to grow? Or if I don't, do I indirectly or directly harm others by condoning their behavior? The internet is littered with articles and op-eds as Thanksgiving approaches about how abandoning and at least countering the bigoted uncle is not just Good, but Required.

As I sat at a kava bar with anxiety increasing, wishing for a hit of Xanax or something, I wondered the same. As I sat with family members who joked about black people or women I wondered the same. Do I compromise on what is easy and not what is hard? Do I owe a family who loves me more leeway or time? Do I cutoff too many people out of a perfectionist demand I never even meet? Am I a hypocrite for doing so? Do we all, in the end, reveal ourselves to be nothing more than contradictory trash heaps of hate and flaws and insecurity and bigotry so much so that selectivity is flawed and overdone? Find out more next time, on a blog in an empty corner of the web.