the trust from a new friend

she fell asleep against me as i listened to a podcast on the history of the chicago school of economics. her feet resting on my chest, slow, rhythmic breathing. two months ago she first came into my life. she is often stubborn and yells when you touch her. but in that moment, against the backdrop of a mad world, her peaceful sleep and gentle purrs against my chest bring me relief. there is no demand to be perfect, to be on time, to get a 4.0, to save money, to do anything. she is a cat, and that is all she will ever need to be.

my brain is gone

(this was technically written a couple months ago: content warning for self-harm)

It started with the feeling of needing to pee. I peed 3 times in fifteen minutes. No sleep just body. She falls asleep and nothing is interesting. No reading, no games, no poem writing. You try and fail. It's all meaningless now. No desire. Don't want to go anywhere for birthday. Pointless. Don't deserve it. Her. Nothing. Pain you do you dumbfuck. No energy, always tired. Distant from yourself. You look in the mirror and see a hideous creature. Why are you hungry again? Cover your head with pillow. Maybe you will suffocate. Wake her up wake her up. No don't. Not fair. You have trapped her. You want to drop from school so bad. It's so far off and expensive and pointless. Always a fuckup. You trapped her. You lied. She is now stuck with you depressed fuck. Life spent with sick ghost. Your thoughts won't stop. Remember when you wanted to run into the door over and over until your head caved in. Hurt yourself hurt yourself. Cut off head. Razor to neck decapitate. Suffocate self with pillow. Your brain is being squeezed so hard it hurts so bad all the pressure. Your mom will be mad tomorrow. Cry. You cry twice. Sob into pillow. Shaking. You are not safe you are not safe. The cat leaves. Now is your chance. Knife on arm but nooooo you have to pee. Your head hurts. Where is the Xanax fuuuuuck. Wake her wake her. You are sick you are sick. Thoughts a million miles per hour





Hurt yourself hurt yourself hurt yourself



Cut off head cut off head



The noises. Pounding on the door. Over and over they pound on the storm door before you go to work. Rhythmic.

Tonight there are noises from the man in the doorway. Who is it!? He yells.

Sleep paralysis nightmares endless fear shaking fear shaking

Your head is squuezing your brain your chest is squeezing your heart

Head


Have to pee, can't wake her it all sucks. You can not sleep but you are tired. Last night you were walking through a pool of blood and organs of your loved ones. You watched your sister have her eyes gouged out. Your wife tried to reach you in your burning car as you went up in flames. Only a sick person would have dreams like this every night.



Heart is pounding she stirred next to you. Hurt yourself fuck. You fucking fuck. You worthless fuck. Sick sick sick. Never better. Need a release. Need pain badly. Cut to release. All the thoughts. The fan sounds like a jet engine all noises pound into your head it hurts.



Stomach pee head. You are distant. You can't touch her you are too repulsive too sad. You couldn't touch her earlier when you wanted her. Pee sleep head stomach heart ears all. End me now. Please. Hurt yourself hurt yourself hurt yourself