2007, 2008, 2009, 2011, 2014, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021.
how many times do you try something and fail until you realize you can't do it? spend a whole life chasing something you badly want but also badly hurt yourself to get? at what point does futility become the reality?
there's nothing poignant or psuedo-witty here. the answer escapes me. tens of thousands of dollars, hours, and angst. 3 different locations. 3 different methods of learning. 3 similar results.
the other day i tweeted that when i completed my current class i'd be a college junior, something i truly never, ever, ever thought i would be able to say. i was, for a very, very brief moment of time, feeling pride in my accomplishment.
i spoke too soon.
another dropped class. two in a row. 3 in 4 semesters. the writing was on the wall. another flameout. it was my most consistent effort - 3 years straight of part-time university pulling me all the way from a freshman with a 0.25 gpa to the cusp of upperclasshood with a gpa higher than my high school gpa of 3.4. but it was over, just like that.
im searching for more answers. i can go to community college tuition free now! and for sure, that is a burden lifted. if i fail a class or drop late it's wasted time, but it's no longer burning a whole in my wallet. i've taken $22000 in loans in 14 years now all with, quite literally, not a single piece of paper to show. at least i won't be throwing away money when i go to a tuition free school.
but i will throw away time. my credits mostly don't transfer. i'd be resetting all the way back to a freshman with about 3 classes done. right back where i started when i started, the same time i started thinking about killing myself 24/7, the same time i started skipping class, the same time i gave up on everything and everyone.
and with 14 years in between, the successes are ethereal. i've moved up a pathway slightly. i have moved slightly closer to a goal i won't reach.
there's an optional pathway i have considered. i could self-study acca. maybe i'd have to drive to chicago to take the tests. it's a rigorous pathway of study, with incredibly long, challenging exams/papers, of which there are 19.
but 19 is just 19. they're 19 ass busting, study intensive, advanced college classes that would easily be four credit hours in US parlance, but that's still just 78 credit hours. the average student finishes those classes and a required internship in 3-4 years. the average cpa + masters student takes 6. and not having to take another 1000 level english or history or math class (and i love all of those subjects) would be a godsend, which i'd have to do much of in community college.
an acca isn't a college degree, but there are universities that let you send in your records and do a capstone project for a bachelors. and same for masters. and it basically grants you automatic CMA.
so why haven't i done this? self-study. key phrase there. same reason for a lot of other things i suppose. there are economics certificates and english language ones for teaching english abroad i used to dream of and consider when i hadn't given up on everything including getting the fuck out of here, and they're all hard when they exist free from the confines of a college system that actively murders me every time i go. so i guess either way it's hard. but one is hard and never starts and one is hard and never finishes. hah.
this was a long, pointless way to ask why bother? how many attempts? how many "didn't even get around to it?" how much should i claw desperately for another thing i want but can't have?
i've said before in this blog many times that adulthood is learning to give up on your dreams and wants and goals sooner rather than later, so that you don't hold on to false hope that becomes that much more crushing when it slips through your fingers. the earlier you realize you can't, you won't, the earlier you can move past the sense of incompetence, the sooner you can adjust to mono no aware. maybe for once, i should take my own advice.
