Thursday, September 21, 2017

See What Sticks

A common verbal metaphor one might hear during their passage through life, in regards to what they should be doing with said life, is to "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks." This, thusly, describes the idea that one should attempt anything and everything in a vain effort to see what ends up being worth keeping with - or - what "sticks." This metaphor is most apt, however, in that it succinctly (albeit unintentionally) surmises the cold reality. Given enough time, gravity is inescapable, and anything that sticks will, sooner rather than later, come down. This applies, also, to one's attempt to find something worth pursuing - given a certain amount of time, said hobby, or interest, or pursuit, becomes unenjoyable and meaningless. It fails, in the end, to stick.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Uniqueness is a Lie

Many people seem to suggest that you might be well-served by not necessarily being the best at something, but simply offering a unique voice, perspective, or collection of talents. That by being something different, you can, indeed, stand out, and use this as a marketable skill. Given, however, that the present author is, as best can be surmised, the only human being completely lacking in any and all talent or skill of any or all kind, it becomes apparent that while being one-of-a-kind may help in some markets or respects, there is also a reality in which said one-of-a-kind trait is so immeasurably distasteful and meaningless, that it does nothing to present itself as worthwhile.

Friday, September 8, 2017

did the idea of wanting to be someone make you eventually want to disappear

Maybe you want to be wealthy, maybe famous, maybe critically acclaimed, maybe you want to save a school bus full of children, maybe you want to travel the world, maybe you want to tell your boss to "fuck off" one day, maybe you want to have a fulfilling and raunchy love life, maybe you just want a life, maybe, maybe, maybe, at some point you lose distinguishing between whether it's something you want, something you're expected to want, something you're programmed to want, something others want for you, it all blends together into unmitigated, unrelenting desire, of things that aren't and can't. Of being someone you won't and doing something you won't. It's funny how it morphs and readjusts itself as you age, your body seemingly inept to hold back the crumbling carapace it resides in but your mind constantly shifting goalposts; I'll do it age 20, then 30, then 40, and on, and on, maybe the desires change a bit but its all perfunctory dressing, just a whole host of gruesome, lonely people, looking for affirmation and love. Cleanup in aisle 8.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017


The South Asian students that populate the apartments near my house moved in a couple weeks ago. I drive by makeshift cricket games on the way home from work. This week the rest of the domestic freshman move in, blessed by comfortable temps when it's very easy for the dorms to become stifling, A/C less hellscapes. I remember moving in with 90 degree weather, in fear of my roommate, trying to fill the time with WoW and avoiding contact with every human I saw. I hope nobody else feels that way.

The construction that permeates the summer on campus is now over. Shinier buildings, prettier landscaping, 100s of thousands of dollars spent in the college arms race to lure students and their money. A full time semester at the local 4 year now costs 12 thousand dollars. To attend for four years then would set you back just shy of 100k, more money than I pocket in 5 years, a seemingly insurmountable number.

The crickets start chirping now at 6:30 instead of 8:30 like in mid June when the sunlight drapes over us until 10pm. The days are shorter and the warmth is shorter and the summer is over, effectively, Labor Day serving as an unofficial end when the temperature becomes to cool to go swimming anyways, so the Great Lakes merely become a vessel for disquieting lake effect snow instead of the refreshing swimmable landscape they once were.  It'll start all over again in June.

I feel and look older but wish I could be new again, do things over again, maybe luck out and not get a perniciously violent roommate, maybe luck out and not be so socially anxious I skipped class, maybe luck out and not cut myself and try to kill myself. But I suppose those are bygones now and all I see are the new students playing cricket on the green grass, smiling and laughing, a swing of the paddle, and the ball is flying, over the trees and into the sun.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Every Number Is Scary

2 is scary because of needles and doctors and pain.
10 is scary because now it's double digits and now it's grades.
13 is scary because now you're a teen.
18 is scary because now you're an adult.
20 is scary because now you're no longer a teen.
28 is scary because now your physical peak is passed and likely your mental one too.
30 is scary because you're not so young any more.
40 is scary because you're halfway there.
50 is scary because now you're old.
Everything else is scary because it's one year of further depreciation.