it had been bad for awhile. i knew it deep down. i had for months.
so much of my life has been spent fighting for some semblance of control. carving out a space that's mine. my clothes. my media. my time. my time, my time, my time. decades of none of those - all orchestrated instead by those who occupied bodies outside of mine, minds who thought they knew better.
years of fighting has let me make a bit. i still feel the pull of obligations; socially, familial, work and school based. go above and beyond or fail.
on my fourth counselor now. and it's finally one of my own impetus. i made the choice to go on meds, and what meds to go on. i chose the counselor, when and where and how often. never before had these options been granted to me. the hospital was dangled over my head like a threat. the doctors and counselors were all chosen by authority. referrals or recommendations from powers that be. my psychiatrist was eventually picked up by my mom, seemingly so she could try to find one more way to watch over me, devour my sense of self.
i haven't really had a bad counselor before, and i bare much of the blame for being so resistant a client. but i never really had a counselor before. they were all counselors who ostensibly were for me - they spoke to me, met with me, worked with me - but were for my parents. their fears. their comfort. their idea of how i should be. i wasn't angry enough, happy enough, good enough, enough.
now i do. i have a conselor for me. and in that, i've found myself more open than ever, willing to challenge myself and be vulnerable. in 4 sessions i've gotten more out of this than 4 years of any previous counselor. i feel safe. i know nothing i say will escape, will somehow be found out. my parents are unaware of this existence, this part of my life, the kind of lack of awareness i've only ever wanted.
it had been bad for awhile, my depression. it had been bad for most of my life, the lack of having myself, my own impetus. but for an hour a week i carve out some time for me, by me. then i go home and hug my wife, who only ever wants to make time for me, make me feel like me, feel like i can take up space.
