Friday, December 18, 2015

My Body and I

My body and I don't get along. I will swallow the pills at 8pm, every night. By 10pm, the pills will be kicking in, and my body will be telling me it is time for bed. On nights where I forget my pills, my body will tell me no such thing, and I will lie awake past 2am, 3am, 4am, mind racing and brain hyperactive.

My body and I don't get along. One set of pills tells me I am always hungry, causes a sharp increase in weight gain and chance of diabetes, the same set of pills that cause the fatigue and will me into bed will me towards snacking when I am not sleeping.

My body and I don't get along. My wrists look like they could snap but the weight gain is getting to me and the skinny jeans don't require quite as tight a belt as they used to, the pants fit a little more snug.

My body and I don't get along, the nightmares are common and so are the night sweats, and my pajamas are sometimes done after one use, tossed into the laundry pile because to sweat through them again would be gross.

My body and I don't get along, never had a full hairline up front, it's not receding, it just never filled in, when it's cut short you can see how high it is, it makes bangs nearly impossible.

My body and I don't get along, the yo-yo master chose me to knock the chip from my ear in 4th grade with his yo-yo because I had "big, floppier ears."

My body and I don't get along, sore back from 9 hours a day at work sitting at a desk, jaw popping and snapping and locking from a condition my mother passed along, spine curved and causing the left side of my chest to protrude past the right side, I am unsymmetrical.

My body and I don't get along, need 60+ ounces of water a day just to prevent cramps, permanently thirsty and dry mouthed from drugs that rendered my lips and mouth parched in perpetuity.

My body and I don't get along, body forever seized in akathisia from the sudden quitting of one pill, I was fainting and they feared seizures, wore a monitor around for a day because of it.

My body and I don't get along, because through it all, I hate it, and I suppose it hates me, and I will forever cover it with clothing, even when swimming, or summer, I will forever hide it, and neither of us will get along.

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