Withdrawal

Brain zaps. Imagine a fuzziness, a static feeling, suddenly in your brain, a minute confusion and disorder. It's a sensation I've never felt anywhere else. It's impossible to explain, nothing like feeling the quick reverberation and buzz (in a bad way) that seems to inhabit, briefly, an area of your brain, not the whole thing, but a subsection.

Fatigue, flu-life symptoms, tired, tired, tired. The pills cause fatigue, to not take them causes fatigue, everything is fatigue, at least they let me sleep. But now I feel sickly and tired and weak and dizzy and sick. Four days, of course, last pills swallowed on Thursday it is now Tuesday and my body is rebelling, withdrawal symptoms in full swing. I eye the bottles on my desk and just want to drown myself in them but tough it out until the evening when I take three of them like I always do. The morning will pick up the rest.

It's Wednesday. The brain zaps are gone now. The sickness is gone now. I have replaced it with the pervasive drowsiness. I yawn, repeatedly, as the morning goes by. The great irony of all this is that avoiding the pills to feel better just makes me feel worse, taking the pills makes me feel worse, too, but at least it is a familiar worse. Fatigue is preferable to an electric storm in the brain. One can always sleep. One can't always reach into one's skull and pluck the very sickness out.