did the idea of wanting to be someone make you eventually want to disappear

Maybe you want to be wealthy, maybe famous, maybe critically acclaimed, maybe you want to save a school bus full of children, maybe you want to travel the world, maybe you want to tell your boss to "fuck off" one day, maybe you want to have a fulfilling and raunchy love life, maybe you just want a life, maybe, maybe, maybe, at some point you lose distinguishing between whether it's something you want, something you're expected to want, something you're programmed to want, something others want for you, it all blends together into unmitigated, unrelenting desire, of things that aren't and can't. Of being someone you won't and doing something you won't. It's funny how it morphs and readjusts itself as you age, your body seemingly inept to hold back the crumbling carapace it resides in but your mind constantly shifting goalposts; I'll do it age 20, then 30, then 40, and on, and on, maybe the desires change a bit but its all perfunctory dressing, just a whole host of gruesome, lonely people, looking for affirmation and love. Cleanup in aisle 8.