Feeling Better is a State of Mind but not a State You Can Just Change

"Chin up" people say and focus on the good because it's that simple and everything can be better, you know, it's positive attitude. Hard to leave the room when it's comfortable and you know the blood from when you used to self-harm on your bed sheets is home. But enough drugs and alcohol, and fear can subside a bit and then you're back to getting out there and wondering why you never did this in the first place. And maybe drugs and alcohol aren't a lifelong solution but when the alternative is panic attacks and death and fear at all corners, the alternative isn't acceptable. There is no easy solution or quick fix and some times it's not what you need but in between the sushi and the sake and the sharing of deep dark secrets and sympathy maybe you'll find that home is not bleeding out from a razorblade on your arm but instead is with someone who you can talk to. Someone recently asked me what friendship is and maybe this isn't perfect an answer but I think friendship is regular socializing that involves emotional labor without any expectation of ownership. And I am weird but that's really what any relationship is, intimate or otherwise, you just don't often fuck your friends or live with them, although I suppose millennials these days do the latter a lot and maybe more the former. Where was I? Oh yeah. The secrets shared and the laughs had don't fix the income, they don't fix the dying rust belt city, they don't scare away the fears, but when you're at the restaurant or bar or movie the razor blade and alcohol and benzos and sad music about dying sit unused on your shelf for a little bit, and maybe that's for the best.