going back

deep breath, collect self in car. do this. walk in. hands in pockets? head down? like always. be invisible. your clothes are bad, your hair is bad. at least with what you want to wear you can be a projection, now you're just overdressed, formal, stoic, aloof, it gets more negative. stop. there are a lot of people outside. you sit down in a chair and fiddle on your phone before you go in. collect yourself. you can do this. you've pretended to use your phone before. is it dishonest? a bad coping mechanism? does it matter? you aimlessly click away at nothing. more deep breaths. you can do this, remember? you just did. you do. done. later, different area. talk to staff. your jaw is trembling up and down, you try to clench it so that nobody notices but you know they might notice your jaw clenched anyways. rejection. it's also done. you tried. the fear is there. $550 for horrific stomach pains, anxiety, people seeing you, a first step of what, 30? 40? the hallways look and feel the same but your older now and less wise. were you ever wise? who knows. deep breaths in the car. someone is waiting for you when you get out. a hug means the world. just make it until then. you will probably never finish. they will love you all the same.