you want

more than anything to make them safe and happy and feel loved in your arms. suddenly you have something that means so much to you the single abstract thought of her being sad for 2 seconds makes you sad. everything has to be great for her. and you know it can't be and even if it was how would one grow but you just want her to feel perfect in your arms and like nothing bad ever will happen so you can be that for her. because she knows and you know and everyone knows how the world can be a cold dead place, but in her arms or on the couch or her head on your chest or you on hers the earth is a warm live place and everything hums along and feels good. you agonize over saying you have to get up in the morning, eking out every moment in bed together you can, pushing yourself to the last possible second even though being late is so anxiety inducing. you wait to see her again but after 15 minutes at work you wonder why this 9 hour travesty has to infect 5 days a week, soon to have 4 hours a week of class added and hours of homework too and that you can't just have her. in the meantime you try to maintain yourself; fulfill your hobbies, listen to the music you loved so much you'd cry at it when no other medium would do so to you, play the video games you have made more friends on than any other medium or hobby, disappoint yourself with FLCL, write more again because since 1st grade part of you deep down has tugged you towards that more than anything else you've ever done in life, more even than travel and games and music and swimming, and also make sure, because the addiction and need is real, the love is more powerful than anything, to just constantly hold and touch her, to smile, to see her smile, to wrap your arms around her and smell her hair and look at her eyes and take those 30 minute lunch reprieves and forget work and school and boxes and if you are boring. you have no idea where anything is going, if travel is gone for good, if writing and reading and DOTA and craft beer are gone, done in by money and car repairs and dental disasters and time and unpacking and commitments to so many people all wanting you, you, you, and a stubborn, vain re-attempt (5th time?) at school, but you have her by your side through it all and everything pales in comparison to that, you'll find a way to make it work, to have a sense of self, because in the end nothing is better than waking up next to her, to her hands on your chest, to her head in your lap, to falling asleep wondering why, oh why, didn't that contestant plate the last ingredient on her dish for Chopped.