the things that make you that don't make you

a friend asked you recently what some of your favorite albums this year were and if you had any recommendations since you used to listen to music a lot and you said you don't know because you had none because you don't listen anymore

another friend asked if you'd read any good books lately - what person-who-wishes-they-were-a-writer hasn't? - and you said no because you had read none

a third friend asked if you had played any good video games lately and wanted to play any with him and you said no because you hadn't and couldn't. you're mad at yourself for paying $60 for spiderman and only beating the tutorial. or buying monster hunter world and... only beating the tutorial.

you look in frustration as your blogger roll says "1" next to posts made in September by the time it's early on the 25th. for a supposed writer you sure don't write. the other day you woke up and went to work for 9 hours, then drove to class for 2 hours there, then went to pick up some gifts, then wrapped them, then did dishes, then did homework, and then your fiancée called and you said you thought it was like 10:30 pm but it was 11:30 pm and the day was over. the day before that you spent over 8 hours cooking and cleaning. you know tonight you will be doing homework because it is due tomorrow and you still have 9 hours in an office each day. you keep saying "ah but this is the exception" like when your summer class was so brutal with homework, but the exceptions came in may and june and july and august and september and it seems apparent that they are the norm. it's ok for now while you drive; listening to the same exact music you did last year is fine for now, you keep playing songs you still love. you try to ignore the bank account that even without the video games and music and books continues to drop precipitously. you wait patiently for a student loan to come to just transfer debt from american express to the state. you realize that the kingdom hearts sequel you used to be so, so excited about is not even worth purchasing, not because you don't want it, but because you know it will just sit unused and you might as well burn some 20 dollar bills and get the same level of entertainment. you wonder how dota plays these days, but that's a 45-55 minute commitment a match, or if some of your favorite bands will be in the area, or how the dune movie is coming along, but who cares, really. you started american gods and never touched it again even though you liked it, a friend begged you to start reading the fifth season and it has just sat on your desk forever, never to be opened. you realize that there's no point to buying video games or books or music again. that's ok. there's always work to do.

people who know you mention to others you like to travel but you haven't left the country in awhile now and you probably never will again, so you like to travel becomes you like when you travelled, or you travel becomes you travelled, once, once, once, and you can no longer look forward to new foods or new sunsets or new smells and sounds. it's ok because you can't afford it anyways. it's like how you used to read, or used to listen to music, or used to play video games, the new parts are gone and the old ones are relegated to shelves, dusty books you once loved, passports you once used. you haven't played your guitar since february. you didn't even bother bringing it to your new place because you knew it'd just take up space and never get used. like your stuff you're slowly throwing all away.

when you were younger you used to write screenplays and act and now you don't but your parents still ask if you've watched any good new movies lately out of some vague attempt to divine a passion out of your passive, droll communication with them, and between the cost and the time you say no and it's true. talking is stunted and you've already given up most sports and that was one thing you wanted mostly gone from your life, tired of the culture and the machismo and watching 18 year old kids in college destroy their lives permanently while they smashed skulls together.

in five years you'll be driving to the same music you are now, not writing, not reading, not playing video games. you have lots of new, better feelings in a way; love, a small inkling that maybe you are good enough. these are growth and change and when you're lying there with her head in your lap or her arms around you nothing in the world could be better. but part of you wants to take two weeks off and veg out even if you know it's irresponsible and bad habit inducing. so you plow on and swallow your fears and realize the shitty media hobbies you used to enjoy and never defined you anyways are dead and gone forever. your mom complains about not getting enough of you, even though you are already stretched so thin your presence is translucent, and reminds you to be there for your sister, constantly, even though she is an adult and you would anyways if you had to. you will be anyone you can be for everyone else and nobody for yourself, and that's ok, because that's all you've ever been.