being this age always seemed so far away

i can be afraid of taking the medicine that is supposed to make me feel less afraid
i can be afraid of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to absolutely anyone
i can be afraid of being less successful than my parents
i can be afraid of being more successful than i deserve
i can be afraid of getting older
i can be afraid of what line to stand in at the dmv because the new one they built years ago still doesn't really have any demarcation for which station is which
i can be afraid of touching the side of the lawn mower again where the metal is after running it for an hour and a half years ago and accidentally doing so when i went to prime it after it stalled and feeling like the entire end of my finger was on fire
i can be afraid of the feeling of burning my thumb when i use a lighter on a windy day like i have before; i just got the goosebumps again
i can be afraid of shots and blood draws and spinal taps
i can be afraid of toxoplasma gondii
i can be afraid of people on facebook i used to know from school finding out about me or seeing my posts or my pictures
i can be afraid about removing said people from facebook and seeing my miniscule friend count suffer
i can be afraid of my future
i can be afraid of giving up on my dreams because they're untenable but that not giving up on them and failing is even more frightening
i can be afraid of forgetting to shave that little patch of hair where my neck curves inward above my chest and how it gets red when i use a trimmer
i can be afraid of going shirtless
i can be afraid of wearing shorts
i can be afraid of hurting myself
i can be afraid of going into a new store for the first time alone and not knowing where anything is so instead I don't and just continue to buy stuff online
i can be afraid of people on the phone so i raise the pitch of my voice and make myself sound very timid and sometimes people call me a woman and whatever it takes to make myself seem non-threatening
i can be afraid of failure
i can be afraid of hospitals
i can be afraid of staining my pillowcase with wet hair so i put a towel down over my pillow if i lie down after a shower
i can be afraid of not seeming like i care enough or emote enough
i can be afraid of being angry
i can be afraid of accidentally putting something that isn't mine away in the wrong cabinet
i can be afraid of letting down everyone i know
i can be afraid of black ice and spinning out of control on it and slamming into another car
i can be afraid of using public restrooms
i can be afraid of being too early
i can be afraid of being late
i can be afraid of walking through a restaurant looking for the person i am supposed to meet there and then realizing they're not there and now i look like an idiot
i can be afraid of getting my hands and face all sticky and getting up from the dinner table to fix it mid meal because it makes me so uncomfortable
i can be afraid of being ugly
i can be afraid of feeling trapped at work or school or anywhere
i can be afraid of anything