you aren't anymore

there are things you aren't anymore as you get older. i used to want to be a programmer, delusions of grandeur about designing a video game, the next mario or something. then i took a programming class and stared empty at a screen working my way through a simple 'program a webpage' assignment and wondering how anyone could ever do this.

i used to play basketball almost every day. there are limitations now physically. space is a factor. a sore back is a factor. time is. but im also not playing more, on a team, in school, hoping to uphold my skill level to prevent judgment. nobody is really judging me for my basketball skill anymore. i can let it atrophy.

i used to be a morning person. i guess i sort of still am. i get up at 7:30 am for work. but what used to be an immediate jumping out of bed moment is now prolonged. it used to be easy, really. not because i wanted to, but because what else was there? lying in bed anxious about the upcoming day or showering anxious about the upcoming day? at least one gets me clean and gets me getting stuff done. it's hard now. it's not that waking up is hard. it's that now there's an arm around me and breath on my neck and body heat and warm brown eyes and i wondered how or why i could ever be someone who hops out of bed first thing again. it's not that i am not a morning person anymore, i guess, it's that parts of the morning are way harder to say goodbye to than others. but i suppose having a part of the morning i want to hold onto, which i've never had before, is something incredible in its own right.