making up for makeup

there's makeup around your eyes, she said it was ethereal. it is. it's bright and airy and with your big blue glasses on looks like something you used to think about when watching youtube makeup videos. in your leggings and longer hair you could almost not be a man. you remember when you first grew out a beard and hated it but then liked how it filled out your face when you had just a little bit of it, when it was shaggy but no beard, like 5-7 days into no shaving. but now it's gone and you like that too. you hate it as well though. hate seeing the pimples now, but hate the hair itching when it's there. maybe there is nothing to like, nothing to define. your looks and clothes are a moving target. there's always something to hate. you think about buying new jeans but they're expensive. you think your red pants are still too long and straight. you don't know what phases fashion is going through, you're not dating so you're not plugged into that anymore. the makeup is almost gone now, and you're in your normal work clothes carrying a briefcase, looking like some adult working a boring corporate job. now there's a look you will never, ever like.