Monday, July 20, 2015

Happiness is Fleeting, Sadness is Forever

Perhaps Buddhist philosophy regarding impermanence is true in that we die, but then again, if you believe in rebirth, you could theoretically be sad over and over again until you reach enlightenment. That I do not believe in rebirth means that any sadness, while decades long, will be rendered moot, eventually, by the cold inescapability of death.

I spent Friday through Sunday in the heat of 110 degrees, sunlight, hostelites, music, Chicago, and fun times. Mom can be proud that I only cried 5 times on the way back home, to my drab hometown of 75,000 people (310,000 if you want to call it a "metropolis" but that's being generous), there are no hostels, no nightlife, no scenic views, no palm trees, no year round summer, no music, just the boring staccato of another rust belt city grinding on towards the perpetual notion that this part of the world can be saved. I made friends on my journey, friends I will never see again, thrown away to all corners of the earth and relegated to a number on my Facebook friends list, maybe I'll check in on their profile every now and see if they're happy, that'd be the ideal, happiness, but there's nothing about it that sticks. The closest ones were from Ann Arbor but they're all going away for college. My closest friend I made on the trip was adamant about being from "St Fucking Louis" and I can't say anything will ever pull me there.

I had firsts of course, first club I'd ever been to, not the first time I'd been up until 5:30 drinking, but the first time I had done so in awhile, suffice to say my work day is one of 'where am I?" and "who am I?" Everyone I met was both kind and incredibly sociable, even teasing out words from a recluse like me, who would have thought? Part of me wanted to just return, tell my job to fuck off and drive back, or just take a roadtrip, but there's that impermanence again, all the friends you meet on your journeys are friends you'll never see again, just common travelers who all have to return or go on their own way like you, that's why I have to get out of this town, start again, hit reset, find a big city and make connections, I have none here, nothing but sadness and fleeting moments that grace my existence when all seems lost. Take another pill, show up for work, go to class, go to bed. No palm trees. I spend every day here slowly dying. Hopefully it won't be permanent. I will never reach enlightenment.


  1. You could make connections in your city now, you're still a blank slate. I'd avoid moving just to do the same thing again and again when it isn't actually any different. You can do it from home.

    1. I've thought about that, it's just so much harder. Larger cities have so many more social resources, from events on and festivals downtown to clubs and interest groups. None of these things exist here. I've spent a lot of time looking.