Wednesday, May 23, 2018

the idea of being anything other than the worst is piled up in the fiction section at the bookstore

my parents would tell me time and again it'll work itself out, money always does, blessed by no injuries or sickness. neither parent was ever injured on the job, no hospitalization records, healthy like me for so long. left me home alone starting at age 3 because they could, when they worked 70 hours a week, something most parents don't have the luxury of. the alcohol was kept in a cabinet under the microwave at ground level, unlocked, next to the cleaners and chemicals. i could have crawled my way in there, much less walked, and downed a fifth and a windex without anyone knowing. no locks, no guard rail on the stairs, nothing, just some books and the knowledge they'd be gone for hours. i read a lot those days. i still do. i am thankful for that. i started reading before i turned two and nobody believes me when i say that but i know it's true because my parents have it on video.

they're still wrong though. i have more in credit card debt than i do in savings right now, and i will soon join the 69% of americans (nice) with less than $1000 in a savings/checking account to use in an emergency. traveling is over, the security of having money in my savings account is over, i question everything and inwardly grimace even at 5 dollar charges at a store. i'd stop eating to save money if i could, calories avoided and dollars saved. i fear waking up one day and telling people i care about that i can't do anything anymore, i can't go out, i can't see movies, or shows, or shop, or whatever. it doesn't work itself out. my car has a $900+ repair that has to be done some time this year. there isn't any hope really, and soon penny pinching to the extreme will be the norm, and i'll have to get super aggressive about a second job.

i tell people im not good enough and people disagree but they don't know me like i know me. maybe im hard on myself a bit but i also understand the depth of my aloofness, by coldness, my complete lack of social, intellectual, and support skills and mechanisms. everyone i know is good and probably (definitely) can find someone better than me. walking on eggshells around me because i might cut or hit myself or take enough benzos and alcohol to kill an elephant. the people at work are assholes and ive had exes assault me but i cant bring myself to hate or dislike or be mad at anyone except me and that's ok, because it's not victim blaming if i am the perpetrator of the failure and disappointment.

the sun finally came out today after seemingly 10 years of rain and all i could think about was how i will continue to hurt everyone i love, except me, because if i dont love me then it doesnt matter if i hurt myself.

10 feet away a man at work curses and berates me for not recognizing the coffee pot is empty when it's right next to me. i could have filled it if i noticed, but i am somewhere else like i always have been when i most needed to be present. i don't know where somewhere is because there is no home and no comfort in office walls, in a classroom, in a kitchen where dishes pile up. he has to try to get through a meeting drowsy now. maybe later he'll steal some food like he always does. i only hate myself. he could just be really tired.

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